Thursday, May 19, 2011

You Know You've Hit Rock Bottom When You Start Reading Amish Romance Novels With a Glass of Red Wine

My sister tried to talk me down from the precipice, but it was too late.

Bonnet ripper ^

I'd already read the first free sample chapter of "Miriam's Choice" by Emma Miller, who I googled and can only surmise from the results that she either doesn't exist or is so ashamed of writing bonnet rippers that she uses a pseudonym, and was beyond saving. 

I've discovered a hereditary problem, which I'd originally assumed was a quirk that belonged exclusively to my sister. She has this...problem where once she starts reading something, she can't stop. There's been more than one conversation between the two of us that goes like this:

Me, "Whachya read'n' thur?"
Seester, "This God-awful book. It's horrible, like eating an entire handful of those yellow jelly beans, thinking they're lemon, when they're actually butternut-ass flavored."
Me, "Y you keep read book then?"
Seestur, "I have to finish it. It's horrendous, and I hate it, but I have to finish it. Could you check on the gourmet muffins that I'm baking while I finish crocheting a coffee mug shaped like Lincoln's face? Oh and don't touch the smoked salmon hors d'Ĺ“uvres, I'm saving those for the five course meal I already prepared while I read this book and continued to crochet."
Me, "Gurg."

Seestur is inhuman, and amazing, but mostly inhuman. This seriously happens though, and I assumed that it was just her "thing" but no. No, it's not.

I mentioned that I was thinking about downloading this book, for three USD mind you, and this was her advice:
Seestar, "Stop. Stop everything you're doing and remember: you are a college graduate, you are under the age of 65, and there is still life left to live."

Couldn't get enough bonnet ripping? Buy more, now, do it now!

Despite her warning I downloaded the book, finished it in one sitting with a glass of red wine and chocolate covered acai berries, and bought another book from the same series which I finished later that night.

I was an Amish romance novel reading maniac. There was fire, tousling of auburn hair, hand holding, and even, yes, yes it's true, a stolen kiss. I couldn't stop. Previously cohesive portions of my brain started to melt and soldered themselves to new pathways that screamed, "BABIES! YOU MUST HAVE A LITTER OF BABIES, NOW!" and "PIE! GO MAKE TWENTY DOZEN PIES AND FEED THEM TO HUNGRY AMISH MEN RAISING A BARN!"

I made a gigantic dish of steak and mushroom pie instead. Batman likes this because the fire alarm went off. Most dogs fear the fire alarm, but I've conditioned mine to come running to the kitchen. He waits patiently while I bat away smoke from whatever I burnt beyond recognition into the pan. He cleans up attempt #1 while I restart whatever process it was that I forgot about, causing the initial smoke and the burning, and the "Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap!"

Batman would eat muriatic acid if it tasted like bacon. Also, he can pick his nose with his tongue kinda.

 My shame knows no bounds at this point. At least something good came out of this horrendous event though. The second attempt at steak and mushroom pie/thing is edible, Batman enjoyed cleaning up the first attempt, and Emma Miller doesn't have anymore books in this series (which means I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEE).

 Paolo Conte - "Gong-Oh"

Friday, May 6, 2011


Batman and I are going camping.
He's bringing his squeaky lobster, and I am bringing ear plugs.
There will be pictures later.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Christianity, Shmistianity...Really?

It's midnight, yet again I'm sneaking off to write another early morning blog post while my husband sleeps, and I'm pretty sure that he thinks I'm watching the nudie cable channels that broadcast at these hours. If only it were as easy as turning the tube on and falling asleep on the couch to "adult smut" or my favorite the "adult filth" channel (don't get too excited, I've never actually watched these channels but did take note of their names while channel surfing during the day, and please let me reiterate that they don't broadcast during the day).

I tried using a bit more self control this time, while I was twiddling my thumbs restlessly in bed, but the whole "mind over matter" thing gets a bit convoluted when it's the mind that's causing all the trouble to begin with. Instead of going back to sleep my brain jumped onto a revolving door of thought regarding a BBC program I watched a few weeks ago, and my experience here in London on Easter. The BBC program entitled "Does Christianity Have a Future?", produced and directed by Gillian Bancroft and last broadcast on April 17th in the UK, prompted me to question the future of Christianity at all.

Presenter Ann Widdecombe

My immediate family is predominately very religious, and the idea that Christianity would not have a future hadn't crossed my mind, pretty much ever. Enter the BBC program, which initially sent my thoughts spinning, and follow that with a double shot of steaming reality with a visit to the oldest church in London on Easter. Imagine my surprise when Easter came around in London, at St. Etheldreda's Church, and I saw more people shopping around town than at the Easter service. This was a particular shock after having come from the states where you have to leave early to simply get a seat at church on both Christmas and Easter. 

Generally speaking, it seems that people in the United States have a very different attitude toward Christianity than the more relaxed European one. Then again, almost everything here is a bit more relaxed. People walk slower, they take longer to eat, and they just recently got two bank holiday weekends in a row. I found the BBC program interesting, and especially enjoyed the interview with the Archbishop of Canterbury if only to have another gander at those amazing eyebrows.