Batman made some lady-dog-friends this week. It seems Boxers are a popular breed in this neighborhood, I’ve seen several different boxers running around, but the girl that caught Batman’s eye is only two houses down the street.
(Lucentio falls for Bianca instantly in this clip from Zeffirelli's 1967 movie version of The Taming of the Shrew)
Meet Ellie and Maxi, both very sweet dogs, but it’s a bit of a Taming of the Shrew situation, or what they might call a “grenade” on Jersey Shore, when you add Batman to the mix. Ellie, the younger pup, is sweet, docile, and slobbery. Maxi, older but not by much, is heavier than Batman and acts like an 8 month old puppy. Her tongue is also three inches too big for her mouth causing it to dangle out one side. While Ellie drools away Maxi wants to wrestle Batman to the ground and make him cry, “Uncle!” like the amazon boxer dog that she is.
Meanwhile Batman is VERY big on personal space. He’s happy to invade yours, but protects his own with a ferocity that Freud might describe as hyper-anal retentive. Batman’s message to the world is, “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.”; meaning, he wants to be able to choose to come up to you for attention/treats and not have you slobbering all over him attempting to pile drive him into a choke hold.
(Petruchio chasing Katarina around also Zeffirelli)
If Maxi is the shrewish Katharine, making Ellie the temperate drooly Bianca, Batman is happy to let me play Petruchio. In this way he safely Lucentio’s his way with Ellie without fear that the playful Maxi will pummel him into the fence.
This plan worked somewhat well for Batman.
In the time that Maxi was distracted, Batman ran up to Ellie, sniffed her derriere incessantly, barked at her, pretended to ignore her, barked at her some more, and adoringly watched her drool. I’m not sure why she drools so much when she sees Batman. Perhaps it’s a sign of submission, maybe a school girl crush, either way it doesn’t seem to bother Batman much.
Unfortunately, I am neither as drunk nor as persistent as Petruchio when dealing with Maxi; who happens to have the attention span of a fruit fly in a room filled with overripe papayas. Batman’s slobberfest of a date ended almost as quickly as it started when Maxi trucked over.
Everything officially came to an end when Maxi jumped Batman, who snapped at his beloved as he attempted to shake Maxi off of him. After nearly having her face taken off Ellie started having second thoughts, leaving Batman to deal with Maxi, who got so excited that she bit her lolling tongue.
I’ve seen the Three Stooges make better first impressions, but I think that this whole thing went rather well. Batman made a skeptical girlfriend, what smart girlfriend or boyfriend isn’t skeptical though, and Maxi probably doesn’t remember what happened at all by this point.